- Welcome back?
- April 19th, 2008
Teija tagged me on this, so I figured I should do it. And then I have an *actually* entry written up. Imagine that.
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your LJ along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to.
1. "You're Gonna Miss This" Trace Adkins
2. "New Song" Yael Naim
3. "In My Life" The Beatles
4. "Meet Me in the Memory" Sister Hazel
5. "Fairytale" Sara Bareilles
6. "I'm Only Me When I'm With You" Taylor Swift
7. "Best I'll Ever Be(acoustic" Sister Hazel
I went home last night to take some stuff to my mom to sell in our yard sale. I'm in the process of getting rid of all the clothes I don't wear anymore in order to make more room in the closet. Plus I don't need to hang on to stuff that hasn't fit me in like three years, it's just wasted space.
Well, turns out my mom had created a massive pile in the basement of boxes that were overflowing with my junk. So last night I spent about three hours sorting everything into three piles: to keep, to sell, to throw away. I managed to condense most of it down to about four boxes of stuff to keep, most of it went into the yard sale and then I threw away about two of three trash bags full of stuff that was broken or worthless or just plain unnecessary. Some of that crap I'd been hanging onto for years and I kinda realized there was no need for me to keep the bird house I'd made out of vines at girl scout camp when I was eight, nor did I need to keep the little pieces of paper when I had once scribbled important messages.
In all of the sorting and the sifting I ended up on quite a trip down memory lane; it seemed like fragments of my high school self were caught up in all the mess. I spent quite a bit of time reading old notes, letters and cards that were stuck in between all the books. I found the letter that was written to me right before we left for college, the one that promised the distance wouldn't change a thing and there would be visits and laughter and friendship forever. I found the postcards that were mailed between states that first semester and it made me smile to remember our happy times as friends. And I found pictures upon pictures of us smiling and laughing with our arms thrown over shoulders as we faced the world together.
Then, of course, I stumbled across that one box. The box filled with movie stubs, letters, postcards, rose petals, teddy bears and ruby tuesday coasters. Looking through that box made me feel like I was seeing everything from someone's elses eyes. It doesn't feel real to me anymore, I can't quite grasp the feelings that were there anymore. I know that's normal and good, but it felt so unreal and it kinda hurt. I wasn't expecting that feeling so it hit me harder than I suppose it would have.
Sometimes, like when I look through my old mementos or catch glimpses of old pictures, I miss my old self. I miss the happy, carefree girl that I was during those years. I smiled more easily and laughter always seemed to be bubbling up inside of me. My friends and I were invincible and nothing was going to tear us apart or come between us, not distance, not school and not new friends. The future was wide and everything held promise, nothing could stop me from achieving my dreams and my goals.
Now, I sit here and I feel old and jaded. I no longer smile as much as I did back then and laughter, while still present, doesn't come as easily as it once did. So many things have changed; some for the best and some simply because there was no way around it otherwise. I feel that my goals and dreams are no longer in reach and instead I'm settling for whatever I can get with what I already have; my view of my future is shrinking. I should feel sad about this, but instead it just kinda makes sense, like this is exactly how it is supposed to be.
I do miss you all though. I do miss those precious few friends that I though would never leave, that nothing would ever tear our friendships apart. And honestly, I'd do whatever I could to fix it and to work towards that friendship again. Afterall, there were too many good times to just simply forget.